Day Eight.

Day: 8
Today's Weight: 242.6 lbs
Last week's Weight: --- lbs

Weight lost: 0 lbs
Total Weight Lost: 2.8 lbs

Food	Time	Calories
Maple & Brown sugar oatmeal	5:30 AM	150 cal

Total: --- calories

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Exercise	Distance/Resistance	Time (Cals burned)

Total burned: --0 calories

Differential: +--- calories
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...My Motivators... { To be thin... To feel wanted... To feel confident... }

...My Demotivators... { Being so alone and contributing most of that loneliness to my obesity.... }

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I am going to try and stop weighing myself every day, and switch to every week. I know I will fail with this, but meh, it may help at least a little.

I kinda fell off the wagon for the last two days due to my freak out with gaining. So of course the remedy was to eat everything in sight and start back at square one. But... I talked to Steve last night, and I feel motivated all over again. For a man to finally, finally admit to me "Yes, I WOULD be attracted to you IF you were thinner..." Well, it's like the elephant finally leaping out of the room and saying HEY YOUVE KNOWN I WAZ HERE ALL ALONG.

I'm ready. I won't fail this time.

My Restart: Day Seven

Day: 7
Today's Weight: 240.2 lbs
Yesterday's Weight: 236.2 lbs

Weight lost: +3.6 lbs
Total Weight Lost: 2.8 lbs

Food	Time	Calories
Maple & Brown sugar oatmeal	8:00 AM	150 cal

Total: --- calories

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Exercise	Distance/Resistance	Time (Cals burned)

Total burned: --0 calories

Differential: +--- calories
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...My Motivators... { To be thin... To feel wanted... To feel confident... }

...My Demotivators... { Gaining almost four fucking pounds in one fucking day.... }i

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I am going to try and stop weighing myself every day, and switch to every week. I know I will fail with this, but meh, it may help at least a little.

My Restart: Day Six

Day: 6
Today's Weight: 239.8 lbs
Yesterday's Weight: 236.2 lbs

Weight lost: +3.6 lbs
Total Weight Lost: 2.8 lbs

Food	Time	Calories
Maple & Brown sugar oatmeal	8:00 AM	150 cal

Total: --- calories

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Exercise	Distance/Resistance	Time (Cals burned)
Treadmil	1 mile	20 mins (220 cal)
Cardio bike	1 mile	15 mins (150 cal)

Total burned: --0 calories

Differential: +--- calories
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...My Motivators... { To be thin... To feel wanted... To feel confident... }

...My Demotivators... { Gaining almost four fucking pounds in one fucking day.... }i

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm fucking depressed. I'll write later.

My Restart: Day Five

Day: 5
Today's Weight: 236.2 lbs
Yesterday's Weight: 237.0 lbs

Weight lost: 0.8 lbs
Total Weight Lost: 6.4 lbs

Food	Time	Calories
Blueberry oatmeal	8:20 AM	120 cal
3 flaxseed/cranberry cookies + 1 cup milk	10:40 AM	250 + 160

Total: --- calories

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Exercise	Distance/Resistance	Time (Cals burned)
Treadmil	1 mile	20 mins (220 cal)
Cardio bike	1 mile	15 mins (150 cal)

Total burned: --0 calories

Differential: +--- calories
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...My Motivators... { To be thin... To feel wanted... To feel confident... }

...My Demotivators... { Trevor breaking up with me.... }i

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I almost didn't go to the gym last night. I had sushi with my father and pottied out probably all of it within 30 seconds of arriving home. I felt so guilty for eating it. I napped right away and didn't wake up until close to 8 PM. I weighed myself and was still 237, so I was relieved, and re-motivated to go to the gym, even though it closed at 10 PM.

I burned 400 calories on the treadmill, and got complimented for my running. My stomach is still hurting like crazy. I didn't do any ab exercises, but you don't realize how much you use your ab muscles for pretty much everything until they're ripped to shreds from working them too hard. I'm really happy I lost weight this morning, despite the sushi. I hope I can continue to steadily lose weight until at least the 220's. I don't want to plateau any earlier than that. If I can get to 229, I will feel so much better.

I am going to be a recluse for the month of February. I want to go to the gym every night.... no, rather, I WILL go to the gym every night, eat super strict, and have a noticably different body by the end of this rather short month. I just have to lose another 7 lbs to reach 229. 7 tiny lbs. That's nothin. I will do this.

My Restart: Day Four

Day: 4
Today's Weight: 237.0 lbs
Yesterday's Weight: 238.0 lbs

Weight lost: 1.0 lbs
Total Weight Lost: 5.6 lbs

Food	Time	Calories
Maple&Brown sugar oatmeal	6:20 AM	160 cal
same oatmeal	9:05 AM	160 cal
Sushi	12 PM	a lot?

Total: --- calories

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Exercise	Distance/Resistance	Time (Cals burned)
Treadmill	2.02 miles	40 min (400 cal)
Dancing w/ free weights	3 lbs	10 lbs (50 cal)

Total burned: 450 calories

Differential: +--- calories
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...My Motivators... { To be thin... To feel wanted... To feel confident... }

...My Demotivators... { Trevor breaking up with me.... }i

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I went to the gym last night. It is really beginning to take its toll upon my abs. I could barely sit up this morning without wincing from the pain. Lindsey showed me how to use these two ab machines that I had deemed only worthy of those already in shape just trying to tone up. But my fat ass plopped upon them and shakily, slowly, successfully completed three sets of ten for both machines.

I had a dream about Nep last night. Subconsciouly I know I think about him all the time, but it's been a while since I dreamt about him to the extent at which I remember. It was actually an extremely disgusting dream, but in the dream I was thin. He was doing something gross to me (it involved sex of the wilder nature... and the one thing I will not have involved with sex...), and the only thing I was worried about after he smiled and laughed was if the remains would make me gain any weight. I was thin in the dream. I like to interpret it as I was thin and he returned to me, and still he treated me like -- literally -- shit. And even though I catered to his desires, it was my weight loss I was worried about! I think in a twisted way that's a good thing. I want this so badly. And I am going to achieve it.

I still have no appetite for food. I eat because if I don't I will be too weak to do the work I need to. I am eating for the sole purpose of enhancing my weight loss. To have energy enough to work out and work. I cannot wait to reap the rewards of what it means it be beautiful.

My Restart: Day Three

Day: 3
Today's Weight: 238.0 lbs
Yesterday's Weight: 239.0 lbs

Weight lost: 1.0 lbs
Total Weight Lost: 4.6 lbs

Food	Time	Calories
Maple&Brown sugar oatmeal	4:20 AM	160 cal
Veggies, chicken, tortallinies	8:15 AM	125 cal
Chicken, some veggies/tortallinie	2:30 PM	250 cal
Apple + baby carrots	5 PM	100 cal

Total: 635 calories

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Exercise	Distance/Resistance	Time (Cals burned)
Treadmil	2.10 miles	35 min (300 cal)
Free weight dancing	5 lbs	15 min (100 cal)

Total burned: 400 calories

Differential: +235 calories
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...My Motivators... { To be thin... To feel wanted... To feel confident... }

...My Demotivators... { Trevor breaking up with me.... }

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I went to the gym last night. That makes three days in a row. I'm thinking maybe I should keep a tally of how many days I successfully go, but I'm thinking that may dissuade my progress. I still have no appetite as a result of the break up. It's good. I'm able to resist normally tempting food because it just has no appeal to me. The only thing that appeals to me right now is losing this weight and looking fucking hot.

I want to saunter in to his job and merely smile when he looks at me in shock at how amazing I look. I want his arms to wrap around me and his hands to slide across my ass and for him to get instantly hard at how beautiful I look. I want to see that desire in his eyes.... in the eyes of others, too. I will be desired. So fucking wanted....

My Restart: Day Two

Day: 2
Today's Weight: 239.0 lbs
Yesterday's Weight: 242.6 lbs

Weight lost: 3.6 lbs
Total Weight Lost: 3.6 lbs

Food	Time	Calories
Maple&Brown sugar oatmeal	6:20 AM	150 cal
bread w/ eggs&peppers	11:20 AM	300 cal
frozen veggies w/ garlic	5:20 PM	170 cal

Total: 620 calories

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Exercise	Distance/Resistance	Time (Cals burned)
Cardio bike	2.20 mile	30 min (330 cal)
Ab exercises	---	10 min (50 cal)

Total burned: 400 calories

Differential: +220 calories
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...My Motivators... { To be thin...}

...My Demotivators... { Trevor breaking up with me... Knowing that men only see me as a fat, desperate lonely chick they can use for sex but never be proud of... }

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My sides hurt so terribly this morning. Good. It's from the gym. From doing something about this morbid obesity I'm suffering from. I hope to feel this physical exerted pain every day at some region of my body that has finally been worked. I will go to the gym every day, and the days that I don't I will workout at home. I will fucking do this. Because if I don't, I am pretty sure I will die.